no more drama

woooooooops. i let a lot of time go by. i mean a lot. not just a month or two. almost a year. my bad. i'd love to say that i was really busy building orphanages in africa or playing with kangaroos in australia. but no. i've been in atlanta...maybe a few trips to florida, north/south carolina, alabama, connecticut and tennessee in there. let's see. i took a trip back to cocoa beach with some of my favorite people in the world.
i kinda fell apart from some of my high school friends during and after college, i got wrapped up in war eagle life, but a few of us have become close again and i love it. its nice to have people who know who you were, where you came from, and can make fun of you for the 17 year old dumbass you used to be. there are some that fell out of touch and i understand that's a part of life and it happens...its just sad. i wish i could change it, but you can only reach out to people so many times before you get the hint and stop trying. i guess i've never been the type who can just shut people out, hold grudges over nothing, or not reach back when someone reaches out. probably has come back to bite me in the ass a time or two, but i wouldn't have it any other way. what can i say, the 1993 westview elementary school citizenship award speaks for itself. HA. anyway. i spent the fall pouting over auburn not repeating last year's magic, ahh well, maybe it'll happen again soon? wishful thinking, i know bama fans. you're great, we're bad. we get it. thanks. you can all stop updating your twitter and FB statuses with how great you are and how funny it is that we suck now. it's annoying, and you're arrogant. (no, this does not go for all of you). okay enough of that. fall/winter keep me busy at work since everyone wants to have surgery before insurance rolls over. it sucks because i always work right up until the last minute at Christmas and am usually back to work a couple days after. luckily i don't get sent an hour out of town on Christmas Eve Eve to do a 10 hour case and then have to drive back through Atlanta to Chattanooga while almost everyone else's family is in Atlanta and they're not working.....oh wait.... i'm looking at you people in their 40s who live with their parents....i promise, i've let that go and i'm not bitter.

all in all life is good. im surrounded by amazing people, we have so much fun, and i'm truly blessed. now, i feel the need to make a PSA based on what i see and hear and read on a daily basis: play nicely and stop stirring up drama. also, stop making excuses....its no one's fault but your own if you act a fool, so suck it up, apologize, admit it, move on and quit blaming your actions on everything and everyone else. we're too old for that to still be happening as often as it does and im really effing sick of it. please and thank you. now, this also goes hand in hand with a lecture i gave myself 2 years ago about patron....clearly still haven't learned that one, but I'm working on it! this brings me to one of my favorite quotes of all time. i have no idea who said it but it's so true.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy; they just promised it'd be worth it."

I'd hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

welcome back wedding season! So pretty much all I've been doing lately is going to weddings, planning on going to weddings, and buying gifts for weddings. This year seems to be another busy one as far as wedding season goes for me. I must say I enjoy them a lot more now than I did a few years ago. I think at first I was a little freaked out by the whole situation...like I had imagined a dialogue that went something along the lines of "hey guys, what are you doing? this is a fun game and all but we're not really old enough to be doing this yet right? do you KNOW how high divorce rates are now? can we go back to college yet? this sucks. you want me to wear what? have you met me, I can't walk in those heels. your wedding planner gave me a death stare. if the photographer uses the phrase 'sassy bride' again i'm leaving" I'm a little older now, a little less bitter (shocking, I know) and really enjoy seeing old friends and open bar situations (also shocking). Although I'm not budging on sassy bride. Dear future wedding photographer...you say this to me? you're done.

I'm not actually in any this summer, so I get to enjoy just being part of the crowd. This may or may not surprise you, but as much as I love being there for my friends on their special day and what not, I am absolutely petrified of those 10-45 minutes where I'm supposed to stand in front of everyone and smile and hold my flowers at the right angle all while hoping to GOD the Spanx are doing their job. Not because I mind being in front of people, I think it's more of OMG her mother will KILL me if I faint. So then I start to feel like I'm going to faint, which makes me more nervous. It's a vicious cycle of ridiculousness I know. Lately, with a little help from my pharmacist, this hasn't been so much of a problem and I'm so much happier of a bridesmaid, which in turn makes everyone's wedding day (especially you, wedding planner) that much happier. But anyway, so excited for everyone who has or is getting married this year...I'll be there with bells on!

There's so much to be thankful for...

usually I got on here to rant and rave about whatever random thing may or may not have happened to me on any given day. i actually had a plan to complain about my refrigerator breaking down last night and all the shenanigans I went through trying to fix that situation. Really and truly it was just me finding a bottle of Patron in the very back and telling anyone who would listen I was just going to finish it off to top off a fabulous day. Then I go to work today...and life is put in perspective once again (okay, God, I get it, thank you).

sand beneath our feet, big blue sky above our heads..

it's hard to believe I've spent the last month of my life in Florida. No offense to any Floridians, it's just not my scene. I like to think I enjoy it in small doses; but when I was asked on a cold icy snowy day in February, I jumped at the opportunity to get away from ATL. I think this little break has been refreshing for me. I needed to reevaluate my life and get away from all the pressure and stress that I found myself entangled in and that was being put on me all across the board. I was feeling really overwhelmed and trapped, so I think I just needed to take a break from reality for a little bit. When I first arrived down here I figured I'd be working 3-4 days a week all day. In the entire month of March, I've worked 4-5 days. Go ahead, call me a brat, ask me if I got a boob job, whatever you want to do, I don't really care because so far, I've loved every last minute of it. I've read a ton of books, got a killer tan, drank way too many pina coladas, and have had so many of my friends and family around for pretty much the entire time. I also made some new friends along the way, so I really can't complain. Not a bad way to spend a month. As some people may or may not know, one of my favorite past times is taking random photos of some of the ridiculous people I come in contact with...so with great pride (and some hesitation, if you know any of these people, I'm sorry) I present my trip in photos..so far.
this little scene was on the drive down..somewhere in north Florida...

day 1: mother nature's first epic fail
a little bit better, except for the middle aged drunk who insisted on feeding seagulls four subway sandwiches he should have been shoving in his own mouth. birds freak me out, so a mild panic attack followed shortly after this photo was taken

ahhh florida...thank you sir

someone forgot his pants at the hotel breakfast

on the monorail at the orlando airport...obviously this man never learned how to share. note my arm below holding on for dear life

mhuh...pet snakes...on the beach. this is using a major zoom, i was not this close.

the tannest group of 80 year old women i've ever seen. they looked really leatherly...and spoke very highly of Dr. Oz

the orlando news crew took a break from reporting all the homicides, robberies, and carjackings to report on the possibility of tsunamis in Cocoa Beach..good news..not likely.

this is my happy place

this is what happens when you forget to put sunscreen on your feet

im pretty sure this needs no caption

mother nature's second epic fail


life's a beach, i'm just playin' in the sand...

i just love this

who wants to be right as rain?

Oops. How the hell did I let 3 months go by? Oh I know, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Las Vegas, BCS Championship, and Penguin Awareness Day. Not kidding, I looked that last one up and it was January 20th. Good thing I know how to celebrate it right.

Anyway. It was an eventful Holiday season for me. I decided to go with my usual costume this Halloween and wore the same thing I wear everyday. Scrubs. How original, I know. But why the hell would I want to wear anything but pajamas when I have the option. And the douchebag dressed up as Richard Simmons has no idea that I wear them everyday, so whatevs. If I only could have gotten my flippers (haha, I laughed out loud when I typed that) on that penguin suit again...oh well.

Thanksgiving was spent at my grandparents in Hilton Head again (Benz update: still only in my dreams). We got there on Thanksgiving Day to a kitchen full of cooking. I think one good thing about my generation is that we don't get overly stressed out about having people (not family) over for dinner and needing everything to go perfectly. I've been to enough dinners to know that some one's gonna spill some wine and someone may put their shoes on the coffee table, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I might as well enjoy the ride and laugh about as much as I can. Easier said than done, I know. The oldest generation of my family always seem to get really stressed out about this and lash out at others. Case in point: You know, Thanksgiving Day, watching football, having hors d'oeuvres with the family. Door bell rings, enter, neighbors. Let's just say this little scenario ended in anyone not born before 1980 being banned to another room, away from guests.
We were also given several subtle little hints about cell phones NOT being allowed at the dinner table. By several I mean 82, and by subtle, I mean "NO CELL PHONES AT DINNER, YOU KIDS CAN'T GO A SECOND WITHOUT LOOKING AT THEM" Well, I'm pretty sure if your phone had Angry Birds you'd be just as addicted was not the proper response to this statement, FYI. Lo and behold, we're all enjoying dinner and conversation and what not, and some one's cell phone rings. Grandma gives the death stare to each of us, who all hold up our hands to proclaim our innocence. Grandpa looks down, pulls his phone out of his pocket, and answers the call. EPIC I tell you. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Everyone did, that's one of the best things about my family. We're always laughing. Even after we're put in time out. But it was only a shadow of things to come. I'm pretty sure my siblings and cousins and I finally succeeded in scaring the beejeezus out of not only our grandparents but quite possibly our own parents this year. My excuse for my behavior is that Auburn was losing to Alabama by 24 points, and I was pissed. Not sure when I grew balls and began to care this much about college football, but alas I decided that watching the shiteous first half of that game in public was enough, and it was time pick up some beer and bring it on back to house so I could pout and sulk in private. We loaded all the "kids" in the minivan my parents rented for the trip and stopped by the gas station. My cousin and I walked out of there with well over 60 beers, two four lokos, a Styrofoam cooler (grandma's fridge could not handle this purchase due to the large quantities of leftovers) and a Sprite zero for my sister (wild child).
We got home, I think Auburn scored so my grandma told me to cheer up (same woman who asked me 3 hours earlier what Auburn's colors were, then asked me what Alabama's were, and came out ready to go wearing crimson and white...I'm so close to that Benz I can almost taste it. HA). The highlight of this evening was Auburn coming back to win and my whole family cheering them on, seriously, you'd think they all were lifelong Auburn fans, and not Tennessee, Yale, UConn, or Virginia fans pretending for crazy me. It also could have been me making my Grandpa sit in the other room because it was good luck if he didn't come out in the living room with everyone else, but I guess we'll never know.


Anyone who lives on a golf course knows this is HIGHLY illegal and frowned upon by the board...but SEVERAL beers later, no one really cared.

After that epic Holiday gathering, we move on to Christmas. I went up to my family's house on the 23rd and had to be back at work on the 27th. Thank you surgeons of America, heaven forbid you don't make that 2 mil mark this year, Scrooge. It is my oh so humble opinion that NO ONE should have to work the week between Christmas and New Years. Just a thought, current administration. Make it happen. Christmas was relatively uneventful, I made my other Grandma dress up in reindeer antlers and playing a ring toss game with her. Hey, at least there's never a dull moment.

Well, I'm sick of typing already, I think I'll save New Years and the BCS Championship for next time...

oh you fancy huh?

Dear Apple,
I honestly hope someone from your company reads this. I will admit, I loved your first 3 generations of iPhones. I am a phone whore, I always have to have the newest, coolest, most amazing gadget. You have seriously seriously let me down with this iPhone 4. Not only did I sit in a Panera for close to 3 hours trying to pre-order what would "change everything...again" but I also made a co-worker/trainee go to my house the day it was delivered and pick it up to make sure it didn't get stolen off my front porch. What do I get for my loyalty and enthusiasm about your product? A piece of absolute shit. I would take my 2002 Nokia phone that had tha "Snake" game on it over this hunk of junk. I'm seriously hoping that maybe, just maybe the 2 iPhone 4s I've had (first one was replaced due to sensitivity issues with the proximity sensor) just happened to be bad eggs. Other people I've talked to absolutely love theirs. I had the first one replaced at an Apple Store (yes, it was easy to do, but this shouldn't be happening in the first place). On 80% of the calls I was making my face decided to hang up, mute, add calls, attempt to facetime, send random texts, add random callers to the calls I was currently on. I know we'd all like to blame this on me not being able to hold a phone correctly, but since I handled the other phones without any problems I don't think the blame lies on me. So anyway. I get my 2nd iPhone 4 from the Apple Store, swapped out with only a minor interrogation. Everything is somewhat good, I didn't have nearly as many issues with the sensor until one day I accidentally dropped it onto a driveway. The front screen looked as if I'd run over it with a car...twice. I had it repaired (gorilla glass? not quite) for the bargain price of $200. And that brings me to my current predicament. Not only does my camera "lens" fail to open (and who are we kidding, there is no lens, cute thought, but next time just make it so the damn thing works)but the top part of my phone screen no longer responds to anything. If I try and click on anything on the top sliver of my phone screen absolutely nothing happens....seriously? This is the best you can do? I understand that at the end of the day, it's an electronic device and sometimes things don't work the way they're supposed to. I'll give you one more shot Apple, you have strikes 1 and 2...don't make me cross an iPad off my Christmas list.
Hugs and kisses,
Jordan

come pick me up...

and here I went and got cocky about 2 posts in one week. I swear I looked up 3 days later and its already been a month. I will say I've been crazy busy between a trip to see my favorites in Gulf Shores, bachelorette parties, and the start of college football. I'm pretty sure I either pissed off or scared the other patrons of the bachelorette party last weekend...I kept looking over some of their shoulders to the TV that was positioned in my view (yes, I strategically planned this) and would start to yell out and then realize where I was and just kinda sound like a battered puppy. Once the game went into overtime I was done, I just grabbed my beer and walked in to stand (or pace, whatever) and watch the lucky end to that game. I came back to the table and sat down like nothing happened...was I smooth? probably not, but that's how I roll.

obviously, it was not my bachelorette party. however. once I googled bachelorette party this image came up. And I decided I wanted it. Katie, take notes.

the highlight of my trip to gulf shores was certainly seeing my two favorite people again for longer than 10 minutes but also being the college football set up that me and puddin' (yes, I call him puddin') set up while Claire was out running with the dog. Please note that while Claire (the sensible one, who my mom wishes was her child) is out exercising with their dog, me and her husband are trying to figure out a way to set up the spare TV on their porch so as to enjoy the day outside without missing anything from the games that we wanted to see. It's like that saying, I'm outdoorsy in that I like drinking on patios...that pretty much sums it up for me. Anyone who knows me knows this. So while we were setting up our fortress o' football, Drew's mom called. He told her what we were doing, Claire running, me and him already drinking (I'm pretty sure it was 1 EST at this point, so in all honesty I was behind for the first gameday of the year) and her only comment was "well, that sounds about right." Sooooo proud.

you've got a fast car

2 posts in one week? to what do we owe this pleasure you ask? Well, I'm just trying to keep myself awake at work today and ran out of things to do. Monday I found myself working at an undisclosed location in east bumble, Georgia with who I so lovingly refer to as Dr. McDreamy (behind his back, of course). With this being a Monday morning, most would expect me to be pouting, cranky, and half asleep until 9:30. I was actually in a relatively good mood. I was working with McDreamy and I'd probably be done by noon so I could go do important things like get my oil changed, perhaps run by Target, maybe even wash my car if there was time (we'll talk more about my car in a minute)...this was a good day. 14 hours later, when I was in the same spot with 58 degree temperatures, I was no longer singing the Cinderella theme song while imagining woodland creatures dancing on my shoulder as I skipped merrily through the forest. Instead, all I could think about was whether or not I was going to attempt to gnaw off my left arm or wait until I could hijack the nearest fast food place. McDreamy had lost his sparkle; and I was tired, hungry, and cranky...just ask my family how well this scenario usually works out....
the good news is I got in bed only 21 hours after I had woken up, I eventually ate, and the world was a happy place again...until 7:28 Tuesday morning.
The black stallion (my car) arrived approximately 2 minutes early to chauffeur the duchess to the airport for her flight to South America. I'm already planning my day when I'm about to pull in her driveway. I note that her trash can is out, so I may want to not smack into that. I also note that a car is coming towards me, so I slow down so I can still swing out wide to get in between said trash can and the brick steps/hand rail. I slow down, jackass slows down. I sit there annoyed with my blinker on trying to show this guy that I'm trying to make a right turn I mean come onnnnnnnnnnnnnn. He doesn't move. Now. Here is where I made my tragic mistake. Instead of being PATIENT and waiting for this gentleman to move, I get pissed. I forget for a splitttttttttttt second that I drive an SUV. Not a matchbox car. I slam my car into the driveway and promptly run the entire length of my rear passenger door and trunk area down her wrought-iron handrails. Now. My first thought is, "uhh, did I hit the trashcan?" I get out, realize the trashcan is still chilling my the side of the road. Then I get a little nervous. My second thought was "OH SHIT, replacing that railing is really going to be expensive, I guess I should probably return everything I bought at GAP last weekend." I was honestly relieved that the only damage was on my car, because I'm a moron and deserved it. After I got over that my next thought was a pattern of several curse words that would have caused my mother to wash my mouth out with soap (yes, she did this to me on more than one occasion...see how well that worked out?) UGH. Not a great start to the week. I had an estimate done on it yesterday and the guy told me it would be just under a thousand dollars to fix. Now, we all know I laughed at him and walked out, but I'm planning on taking it to a few more places to see what other kinds of numbers I get. In the meantime, I'm holding on to knowing that my week WILL get better. Jack Johnson in concert on Friday. Yes, please.

carolina in my mind

I originally was going to title this entry after the timeless classic by Petey Pablo "north carolina, come and and raise up" but wasn't sure how many people would understand my love of rap music from the early 2000s. So I went with the old standby James Taylor. But anyway- the fam and I just returned (well, like almost a month ago now, but I've been busy) from our 17th (or 18th...there was some debate on this) year of going to the outer banks in NC. We go with another family we used to live near in Connecticut. I think we're all a little surprised we're still going after all these years, but even with big kid jobs, spouses (i'm talking to you Grady), and college we all always seem to make it for at the very least a couple days. Things have changed a little bit over the years, instead of sand castles and juice boxes its become beer and books, but it's always an adventure. I remember one year, I'm thinking I was 11 or 12 and it was probably around 11 or 12 at night.
We were on our way back from riding our bikes to the grocery store (busy 2 lane highway? no problems, beeeee carefulllll kidsssssssss, look both ways, mommy loves you). That particular year another family came, and they had 3 older boys. One of them decided he would sneak into the community pool and go skinny dipping. We all thought this would be hilarious and stood outside the gates giggling. I don't remember if the police car had its lights flashing or not, but I do remember thinking that my life was over, and I was going to jail. I mean, was I going to lose my citizenship award I had just received from my school in June? The police ended up escorting us back to our house, bicycles and all, where I was convinced my parents were going to kill me. We were let go into our parents custody (where the interaction went something like this so I'm told):
Police: Do you know where your children are?
Parentals: Hellooooooo occifer. Tank you.
I ran immediately into my room and climbed under the covers of my top bunk. Finally my mom came in and told me it wasn't a big deal, to calm down, life was not over, I would not lose my citizenship award, and frankly she was glad to see me get in a little bit of trouble. She probably regretted saying that when my teen/college years approached not too far afterwards, but then again my halo is always shining so brightly she may not have ever noticed....
Even with classic memories like that I have to say that this year was probably the most fun we've had in a long time...might I dare say ever? Night one was epic. First of all, anyone who has known me for more than an hour knows that I do NOT shake my tail feathers unless I have consumed an ungodly amount of liquid courage. I blame my mother for this..if ONLY she had enrolled me in darla's duchess dance classes maybe, just maybe......
Back to the beach. It was raining, so instead of being able to lounge on the sand, we were confined to the house. This lead to an much larger than normal intake of adult beverages. We ate dinner at the usual time of 10pm when someone made the crucial yet annual mistake of bringing up politics/heath care/whatever the hell it was we were arguing about. About 2.5 seconds into this discussion and after hearing myself slur something about health care; I looked at the other girls and we decided to go onto the deck with the iPod and speakers.
I'm pretty sure the entire neighborhood either saw or heard the commotion coming from our back deck. I know at one point there was one family crowded around their kitchen sink window watching the dance off. I was slightly humiliated until they showed up on the beach the next day in speedos...game, set, match, I win. Although this is how all 12 of us look on the beach from about 10am-7pm, so it might be a toss up.
It was most definitely memorable, even if some parts needed to put back together in my mind through photographs. Every time I hear the Cupid Shuffle I have to smile a little bit and think "JESUS TRACY WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST FORCED ME TO GO TO DANCE CLASS INSTEAD OF GIVING ME LITTLE BOY HAIRCUTS."

things ain't good but things ain't boring...

My new idea for this lovely window to my life is to have the title of each post be a quote from a song. No, I'm not being philosophical or deep or whatever you want to call it. I just dread thinking of a title and figure you can never go wrong with lyrics. And yes, I know ain't is not a word. Thanks in advance for your concern.
It's been a busy couple weeks in ATL. We had father/daughter weekend over Father's Day with some close family friends from Chattanooga. It involved lots of drinking, a Braves games, and theft of private property.
It sounded like a great idea to borrow a piece of stone from a restaurant patio pillar (it WAS loose and we did tell the staff about it, they seemed about as interested in it as I am in going to the dentist) and it ended up as the new charming centerpiece for my patio furniture. I had actually forgotten about it until I saw two police officers in the back of my building looking around and trying to see on my neighbors deck. For about 3 minutes, I was convinced they were coming to get me for that stupid piece of stone. After my mild panic attack which consisted of running from the front of the house to the back, opening blinds and peering out while concentrating on remembering to breath, I realized how ridiculous I was acting and calmed down. (opening/closing blinds and peering out? smooth move, I'm sure you didn't look suspicious at all...note to self, don't become a hardened criminal). I never did quite figure out what they were there for, I always thought that house was sketchy...

theft of rock

rock taking its rightful place in kitchen before it was moved its current home on patio

I also had a relapse into my severe addiction to online shopping. I was doing really well since Ms. Sharon, the concierge in the condo o' luxury who had the pleasure of signing for all my packages, would look at me and say "Jor-an, I am going to come up there and unplug your computer if you keep buying stuff on ebay." When I tried to explain that I'm actually doing BARGAIN shopping and not paying full prince she just laughed. "Whatever helps you sleep at night". How I miss her. Anyway, I found myself on the couch on Sunday morning and decided to get on Amazon to buy books for the upcoming beach trip to North Carolina (all we do is beer, books, and beach). I get online, browse around and find myself with 17 books, a Braves hat, and facewash in my shopping cart. Immmmmmmmmmmpressive. Even for me. I saved myself a trip to Hat World, Barnes and Noble, and CVS all from the comfort of my living room. More time to lay out? Yes, please, and don't judge me.
On another random note (but what else would you expect) I'm in the early stages of planning a trip to Europe or Australia for early next year with my good friend Kelly (and whoever else wants to go?). While thinking about which one to narrow it down to, I remember that my other good friend Katelyn was trying to plan something to Australia a year or so ago. I think oh sweet- maybe she'll go, how fun...this is the response I get:

Jordan says: Australia? beginning of next year?
Katelyn says: huh
Jordan says: i want to go
Katelyn says: oh man my cousin just moved from there
Katelyn says: any particular reason why?
Katelyn says: do you want to hold a koala bear?
Jordan says: yes
Jordan says: i want to hold it close and pretend is wally, my stuffed animal from childhood
Katelyn says: Awe wally
Katelyn says: i want to do a wine tour of italy
Katelyn says: and hold the wine bottle close
Katelyn says: and pretend its my college friend boones farm

anddddd the world makes sense again. watch out australia, I'm coming.

So, since the purchase of this new place I have realized two things:
1). My dad is wonderful (but I already knew that)
2). I need a husband
There have been so many little things that I have to take care of that I never thought of while living in my condo o' luxury in Buckhead. Shatter bathroom appliances on New Years Eve? No problem, just call the maintenance guy on duty New Year's Day. He'd love to come up and fix that for you Jordan, he's on his way. That poor man said two things to me that day:
1.) How the hell did you do that?
2.) Girl, I think you need stitches.

Ahhh memories.
Anyway. Both of my parents have been extremely helpful and willing to sacrifice their time/sanity to help me out when I get in situations where I'm rocking in the fetal position. (this may or may not have happened....twice). I was extremely proud of myself when I managed to put together two of the dining room chairs I got off Overstock.com. (pay full price? I don't think so) Then, I got to the third. For three consecutive hours I sat in my dining room floor and tried to assemble this stupid freaking chair. I followed the instructions just as I had with the first two yet none of the pieces were fitting together like other two had...that would just be too easy. Of course Dave, who had to talk me out of throwing the remaining 5.5 chairs out the window and onto I-285, came down one weekend and assembled the rest of them, fixed the odds and ends and hung up pictures and mirrors. Dad.of.the.year.
So. You would think I would figure out, okay, maybe I shouldn't be assembling items bought online that arrive in 3.489 million pieces. Don't get me wrong, I can assemble, but I have my limits. At this point, you think I would learn my lesson. I buy an elliptical from Sears and see they have option for in home assembly and I check it. How wonderful! I won't get pissed off, Dave won't have to drive down again, thank you Sears! No thank you Sears. $200 for assembly? After I'm already paying you $75 for a delivery fee? Are you serious? No. That is insane. I'll put it together myself. I fill my mom in on the good news.
Me: "Woohoo. operation get skinny will begin when my elliptical arrives on Saturday"
Tracy: "Good for you hon, so Sears is going to come set that up right?"
Me: "umm, no. they wanted $200 for that so I declined it. But don't worry. I'm going to set aside my Saturday and get it done. I've already read about it online and people say it's really not that hard if you just follow the instructions"
Tracy: "............"
Tracy: "mhuh. your father is going to be thrilled"
Ye of little faith. So the damn thing comes in, I am mentally prepared that this is going to suck. I wake up early, do some stretches (not really) and trot downstairs at 9am to begin the assembly....from HELL. Actually, it wasn't that bad. It took me 3 hours to get the base and half of the "legs" done but then came the foot pedals. In my defense, the drawing they had was pretty piss poor. I tried for what seemed like an eternity (probably more like 45 minutes) to get the right foot pedal in place with no luck. I thought calling my parents to see how theirs looked and was put together would be helpful, although I'm pretty sure they had been waiting for that call all day. My dad answered and said in typical Dave fashion "It's okay dude,(yes, he calls people dude, no he is not an old hippie) I'll come down tomorrow and put it together." Gotta love that man, he is the greatest.
I'm pretty sure he also muttered something about finding a husband to do all this for me and that poor man will have no idea the amount of things I like to buy and "assemble" myself....

Found him. Ohh if only he wasn't married.

my car hates me...

I know it's been a little while since my last little post, but I've been busy driving my car from Atlanta to Tennessee back to Atlanta then to Jasper, AL to Atlanta to Charlotte and once again back to Atlanta. All in one week. Needless to say I will not be going on any road trips in the near future. (unless its to the beach...even I have limits).
Now, on to Jasper. I'm going to go ahead an apologize if anyone I know is from this town or knows people from this town. But seriously. The things I saw I just can't begin to even make up. Exhibit A: I'm sitting in the lobby enjoying my third vanilla latte (double shot) of the day and see this snaggle-toothed woman with ridiculously short shorts and a rather colorful t-shirt. Me being me, I decide to see what exactly is so important that she would want to broadcast it on her t-shirt (obviously homemade). Word-for-word "Southern Belles love them some Country Boys." huh? what? why? why? why? I mean if you're going to make a statement like that can we at least use correct grammar? Of course not. So this little treasure (side note, she had on high topped white shoes with stickers from the University of Alabama on them, not embroidered....stickers) decides she wants a beverage from the vending machine. She removes a wrinkled dollar bill from her bra and inserts it into the machine which promptly spits it back out at her at least 5 times. She starts to get visibly angry and punches the machine while yelling something along the lines of "gawwwd durnit gimme a friggin' mowtan deeeewwwww you friggin' piece of..." At this point, I'm too annoyed by the fact that my phone had NO service to really grasp the amazingness I was witnessing or to document it via iPhone pictures like I usually do, so my apologies. After she tries another few dollar bills with no luck she reaches down in her sock and pulls out a few quarters..OF COURSE. Why didn't I think of that? As the machine starts to dispense her drink of choice she's visibly sweating and angry about the ordeal when all of a sudden she finds herself in possession of a DIET Mountain Dew, not a regular. You would think someone had kicked her cat. She continues to slap the machine and took the time to scribble down the complaint hotline number all the while cursing with such anger that spit is flying everywhere. (where she got that pen, I don't even want to know).

I was also lucky enough to witness one of those Jesus's face in a grilled cheese sort of things. There's a door in the hospital with some plexi-glass over it that I walked past several times during the day but never stopped to look at. Later in the afternoon it caught my eye and I was fascinated by the story. A man's son was in critical condition and he was staring at this door when he realized he saw a face staring back at him which gave him hope his son would be okay and his son was hoooorayyyyyyyyy. Enough people must have thought it was the face of Jesus because its now covered in plexi-glass and has a plaque next to it explaining the story. The picture is below, you be the judge.

mayyyyyyyyyyy

wow, seriously. I can't believe it's already May 2. You might say, well, who cares, yesterday was the 1st, tomorrow is the 3rd, let's sign you up for a Nobel Peace Prize. After I looked at you with a scowl, I'd oh-so-pleasantly inform you that I have exactly 4 more months of being 25. WTF. When the hell did I get so old? This past year has been a big one for me, I bought a house, and I'm bound and determined to get that Benz...riiiiiiiiight (or Volvo SUV, go ahead and insert mom car jokes here). But STILL. I feel like the past 3 plus years since I've graduated college have flown by. Probably because I spent the first 2 years working and traveling all over the place....when and if I ever write my first novel based on the ridiculousness I've seen those travels and experiences will probably have at least 2 chapters dedicated to it. The most interesting place I went to was a town called Scottsbluff, Nebraska.


When my boss told me I was going to start traveling out there I looked at him and literally asked if he just threw a dart at a map. I'll never forget the first time I drove up...I just remember thinking you must be kidding me. There was nothing but a few grocery stores, a YMCA, your standard fast food places, a movie theater (in which I sat by myself and watched the first Sex and the City movie...well, actually me and 2 women over 70 were the only souls there, but they left about 20 minutes in and gave me a dirty look when I didn't follow in their footsteps, I'm also pretty sure they pulled that from the theatre after the first week... but anyway). There was also a mall with a cowboy apparel outlet in it. Did I purchase a snazzy pair of authentic cowboy boots that I LOVE? yes, and don't judge me. They offered to throw in a lasso but I didn't see any need for that. I thought they were kidding, so they weren't amused by my howls of laughter when I imagined myself with a lasso. That wasn't my only run-in with locals out there. I remember being at the neighborhood bar (also known as Applebee's) and arguing with two 19 year olds about the south. Yes, the girl who was born in Connecticut and despised everything Southern (Chick-fil-A I'm so sorry) for the first 5 years or so after we moved down here was getting PISSED at two hoodlums who had no idea about anything they were talking about. They were genuinely shocked when I told them Atlanta had running water and electricity. (I'm sorry dude, do you see the cowpasture you live in?) Now, I say that I "told" them, but after a few cocktails it was more like a sarcastic shout with lots of eye rolling and annoyed sighs. Before this sounds like I was sitting at an Applebee's bar in Nebraska by myself I'd like to mention that I was out there with a sales rep who was also from the south but was oblivious to the entire conversation and much more interested in checking the Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiide's score. I think I made the townies feel bad because they offered to buy me a "Red Beer" which is something I think is native to Nebraska since I've never heard of in anywhere else. Basically it's a beer of your choice with tomato juice. Just as delicious as you'd imagine.
All in all I figure I ended up spending about 8 months in that place, but I'll never forget it. The people were some of the nicest and most easy going I've ever met. After me being the new shiny object in town wore off they invited me into their homes and their lives and I'll never forget it. It was probably one of the only things that kept me sane. I had the BEST steak I've ever had in my life out there and my eyes were opened to a slower and less stressful way of life. I tried to take a piece of that with me. I almost feel like I need a trip back out there to remind myself to slow down a bit. You know you have a problem when you're yelling and flailing around when the driver in front of you is puttering in the left lane and you think it's the end of the world. Calm down Danica Patrick, you'll get there in time.